Blue blood female: There were only two Jewish kids at my high school.
Jewish kid, nodding sagely: That sounds about right. If there’s horses, there probably aren’t Jews.
Tower member: Straight up encountering bunnies on the way home from the street makes my night they are just so chill
Terrace senior boy, upon meeting Tower junior girl: What are things that you like?
Girl: What do you mean?
Boy: Literally anything.
Girl: ...Cake. Running. TV.
WASP, wistfully: I went to prom with a guy named Cotton.
Sophomore girl: I know people are always afraid of Big Brother, but I’m like, maybe if Big Brother existed, he could tell me where I put my sunglasses.
White girl: T-Pain? Was he in Men in Black?
Pi Phi senior, to peer: You’re making literally millions, what are you doing a street person’s drug for?
Bro at Kendrick Lamar concert: Vine’s gonna be fucking SICK tonight yo!
Dog person: You’re not a dog person?
Free spirit: No, I love animals, but not in a domesticated state.
Debate female, to debate male in yarmulke: Oh, you’re Jewish? I love Jewish boys.... I’m a Jewish girl. Also, I’m drunk.
SHARE peer: Everyone in this school is ratchet and everyone is thirsty.
Picture caption: The mother of womb-tingling hot dad and tiny baby pairings is the Thor star and his daughter, India. Just look at the way his massive forearms dwarf her body.
Ivy alum: I’m so glad I wasn’t born in
Nebraska. I’d rather be an AIDS baby in Africa—at least that would be interesting.
Freshman: the realest niggas lay in Wilson.
Caller to Mudd: Hi, I was wondering, is Cap & Gown still a club?
Tattooed Lothario: I would give her like a smolder look and she would have to sit down cuz her knees would be shaking and stuff.
Freshman to PHI Professor John Burgess: I spent a gap year in Ghana and now I find myself asking what is happiness. Does your department cover this question?
Bearded male: What is early Sufism? History of Sufjan Stevens?
Girl: On Thursday Jesus has dinner with his disciples and he’s like, guys, I’m going to die, and they’re like, oh my god.